Worst time of my life

My Grandfather
He was such an important part of my life. He was a gentle man. He loved to watch his TV, help people, work hard, and loved mamaw and me .
He would sit on the bench in Walmart while mamaw shopped and would end up having someone by him talking to them before it was all over with. I think because of that is why I never met a stranger.
He would bring home his lunch box from work and give me the honey bun or gum and say now don't tell mamaw. Because as a kid with ADHD, I was limited on my sugar consumption.
I love him deeply and miss him to this day. He passed away in 93 from cancer in the VA hospital in Memphis. I was the last one he talked to before he passed. He told me remember Courtney I will always love you.
I cry when I think about him because though I had him in my life for 8 years, he was so influential to me. That is why his death hit me so hard.
Before he passed, me and mamaw were tired and hungry. We stopped at a gas station. My grandmother got out the money she needed then she hid her purse. I stayed in the van but later decided to get out. But I didn't shut the sliding door all the way.
I remember plain as day seeing this black man standing by the pay phone. He watched me as we walked by. I remember thinking he felt odd to me. But I ran in with mamaw anyway.
When we came out, a lady in a pickup asked if that was our van. My grandmother said yes. She said a black couple went in it and grabbed something and ran. I looked at the payphone, the black guy was gone. My grandmother purse was stolen.
I blame myself to this day for this. Mamaw doesn't. She said I was only a kid. But after this, we had to cancel all my grandmother cards. It was a long hard process. I also think that because of this is why we had financial trouble.
All I have to say, is I wish I could find that guy. I wish I could ask him why? Why did you steal that purse? Why steal anything? You ruined lives by doing this! You are a selfish individual. I pray that you no longer steal. That was your last one.
I am not racist. I am just writing my life in a very raw way.

Medicine

Medicines taken
I felt sometimes in my life that medicines that I took were not always needed. I know I have ADHD. But the different meds they gave me, I wondered sometimes if I needed.
I went through so many meds till they found one that worked for my ADHD. That process sucked. Being on Medicaid also made things difficult. Because good Drs won't take it.
My grandmother raised me and she did the best she could. But I think I was taken to the Dr for a cold or just a cough. What felt like to me going for just anything.
This doesn't seem like a bad thing on the surface. But, when you live your life being told you have to have this med. Or don't pay attention to her. She hasn't had her medicine today and she is having an ADHD episode. That is when the pain hits.
You begin to not feel normal like you used to. You feel ashamed you have to take the meds.
I took medicine for my ADHD, my thyroid condition, and any little element that hit me. I feel like my childhood was sickly. So I am raising my boys different.
I am not shaming anything with this post. At the time that this stuff happened that is how I felt.