Worst time of my life

My Grandfather
He was such an important part of my life. He was a gentle man. He loved to watch his TV, help people, work hard, and loved mamaw and me .
He would sit on the bench in Walmart while mamaw shopped and would end up having someone by him talking to them before it was all over with. I think because of that is why I never met a stranger.
He would bring home his lunch box from work and give me the honey bun or gum and say now don't tell mamaw. Because as a kid with ADHD, I was limited on my sugar consumption.
I love him deeply and miss him to this day. He passed away in 93 from cancer in the VA hospital in Memphis. I was the last one he talked to before he passed. He told me remember Courtney I will always love you.
I cry when I think about him because though I had him in my life for 8 years, he was so influential to me. That is why his death hit me so hard.
Before he passed, me and mamaw were tired and hungry. We stopped at a gas station. My grandmother got out the money she needed then she hid her purse. I stayed in the van but later decided to get out. But I didn't shut the sliding door all the way.
I remember plain as day seeing this black man standing by the pay phone. He watched me as we walked by. I remember thinking he felt odd to me. But I ran in with mamaw anyway.
When we came out, a lady in a pickup asked if that was our van. My grandmother said yes. She said a black couple went in it and grabbed something and ran. I looked at the payphone, the black guy was gone. My grandmother purse was stolen.
I blame myself to this day for this. Mamaw doesn't. She said I was only a kid. But after this, we had to cancel all my grandmother cards. It was a long hard process. I also think that because of this is why we had financial trouble.
All I have to say, is I wish I could find that guy. I wish I could ask him why? Why did you steal that purse? Why steal anything? You ruined lives by doing this! You are a selfish individual. I pray that you no longer steal. That was your last one.
I am not racist. I am just writing my life in a very raw way.

Medicine

Medicines taken
I felt sometimes in my life that medicines that I took were not always needed. I know I have ADHD. But the different meds they gave me, I wondered sometimes if I needed.
I went through so many meds till they found one that worked for my ADHD. That process sucked. Being on Medicaid also made things difficult. Because good Drs won't take it.
My grandmother raised me and she did the best she could. But I think I was taken to the Dr for a cold or just a cough. What felt like to me going for just anything.
This doesn't seem like a bad thing on the surface. But, when you live your life being told you have to have this med. Or don't pay attention to her. She hasn't had her medicine today and she is having an ADHD episode. That is when the pain hits.
You begin to not feel normal like you used to. You feel ashamed you have to take the meds.
I took medicine for my ADHD, my thyroid condition, and any little element that hit me. I feel like my childhood was sickly. So I am raising my boys different.
I am not shaming anything with this post. At the time that this stuff happened that is how I felt.

My Childhood

Childhood
Many can say they had a sucky childhood. Mine was filled with trips to the Smokey mountains, getting everything my grandmother bought in 2s one being for me and one for my cousin, and then there was dark times.
I told you about "Bill". Sadly, I don't remember more details on that than I told you. But that makes it no less traumatic.
Growing up I was made fun of. I would rub myself on things and people thought that odd. I can see now why. At the time, it felt normal.
I was an easy to cry kid so school was not my happy place. I was never popular through any school grades till I hit college.
I went to three different schools over the course of my school time. And each one I hoped I would make a better experience for myself but that never came.
As a kid, I lived with my grandmother and grandfather till he passed in 93 from cancer. Then it was just me and my grandmother. After my grandfather passed, my grandmother back hurt so much she had to quit her job. But still take care of me. My mom was around but I lived with my grandmother. More on that later.
At the age of 6, my mom, her boyfriend and me were in her Jeep. It had been raining allot. But, we got to this area that was flooded. My mom's boyfriend decided it wise to try to drive across the flooding.
I remember I had a cut on my knee and at one point, I said "mom the water is hurting me". The water was in the Jeep. I don't know how long it was that we were sinking. But someone in a boat saw the top of the Jeep and got us out. The details are not there for me. But thank God he got me out.
To this day I am scared to go under water. I used to as a child play with hot wheels. I would play with them in the bathtub and push the Jeep one in the tub saying, " look it is Mama's Jeep".
Another miraculous incident that happened, me, my grandmother and my cousin were going down Eason. My cousin claimed she had to go to the bathroom. My grandmother asked if she could hold it till we got to the house. Of course she said no. So we go to the vf factory outlet. Once done we start to head home. We get to the next to the last intersection, where Eason meets veterans. And we are stopped by police. The next intersection where 6 meets Eason, there was a wreck that resulted in a tragic loss of a grandmother. Had we not stopped for that bathroom break, we would have been in or seen the wreck. Thank God He was watching over us.
Now this is not abuse stories. But this was my childhood. That is what this post is about. God saved me these two times.
God has saved me many times over. He is the reason I started this blog. To hopefully touch one person with my life story.
Feel free to email me. My email is in my profile, with any questions, concerns, thoughts... Whatever you feel lead to tell me.

Welcome

Abuse Sucks
I am an abuse survivor. It started when I was no more than three years old. I was at a daycare. The daycare owner's son was there. I remember having a cup in my hand. The daycare workers son, I can't remember his name, so for shortening purposes, I will say his name is Bill.
Bill wanted the cup from me. I told him no. I remember him coming towards me and then things go blank.
How we found out that I was molested, was I would rub myself on things. My grandmother was concerned. So she took me to the Dr. That is where she found it out.
My life has good points after that. But, my life is full of molestation, rape, sexual abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse, domestic violence, and more.
Abuse Sucks. I have experienced allot of it. In July , I will be 33. I can stand here and tell you details of how the sucky side of life is. But I can also tell you, you can survive it. Abuse does not define you. It changes you. But, you don't have to stay in that victim mindset.
There are many stages to get from victim to survivor. The first is omg am I really in this? What is this? Then you go into yes, I am in abuse. Then you hit the stage of trying to get out. Then you hit the stage of living your life after abuse.
No, those stages are not easy to get through. But you can reach each one. Only when you are mentally and physically able to do so. Don't push it because you hear people say get out. Sometimes it isn't that easy.
I am making this blog for my story. How I coped throughout the years. What all has happened to me. The information about abuse I have learned from living it and getting to the coping with it stage.
Join me to follow my journey. I hope that it helps one person at least that is in one of the stages I listed above or the person reading this knows someone in one of those stages.
God bless.